![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
And so it goes...
Jun. 12th, 2003 01:26 pmSo it should be noted that I've only been writing the journal when I'm in a funk, which is to say, that I've had a moment or two to think for myself and hurt a bit.
Last night I spent some money I only sort of have on a wireless router to go with the vast quantity of people coming through my house who have a wireless ethernet card. 802.11b, so no 56Mb for me, but it should do the job nicely enough. Certainly held us through the night.
Came into work today (it's where I am now) and got going, catching up on things. Felt really guilty for leaving them hanging for the last three days, but... meh.
Called Mom around noon to get an update on Grandpa. She had spent the night with him. Right now, his cycle is something like 5 minutes awake to thirty asleep. He wakes up thirsty, and can't have much in the way of fluids, which are administered with a two-sugar-cube-sized sponge.
He's in so much pain so regularly now that he doesn't necessarily recognize it as pain until it's so bad he doesn't just need the morphine to dull the pain, he needs valium to calm himself down. He's been put on a low-level narcotic to keep the peaks lower.
The pulmonary specialist spent some time yesterday trying to convince Grandma just to let him go (he's on enough equipment that without it, he would just slip away). We know it's a losing battle at this point, unless by very very slim chance he stabilizes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the chance. Grandma told him that Grandpa would want to keep fighting.
My brothers and father are down there right now. It was very hard for them, too. It just wrenches to think about it.
It's funny, around people my defense mechanisms keep me from hurting too much, but when I'm left alone, and my walls come down, it keeps rushing in.
I feel like I'm being very clinical about my hurt, and perhaps I am. It's the first time someone's been so hurt around me as an adult, or I've feared losing them for more than that first pang of terror. It's ill comfort that I am not so broken I cannot feel the pain, as I used to fear. Terrible to have proven it.
Last night I spent some money I only sort of have on a wireless router to go with the vast quantity of people coming through my house who have a wireless ethernet card. 802.11b, so no 56Mb for me, but it should do the job nicely enough. Certainly held us through the night.
Came into work today (it's where I am now) and got going, catching up on things. Felt really guilty for leaving them hanging for the last three days, but... meh.
Called Mom around noon to get an update on Grandpa. She had spent the night with him. Right now, his cycle is something like 5 minutes awake to thirty asleep. He wakes up thirsty, and can't have much in the way of fluids, which are administered with a two-sugar-cube-sized sponge.
He's in so much pain so regularly now that he doesn't necessarily recognize it as pain until it's so bad he doesn't just need the morphine to dull the pain, he needs valium to calm himself down. He's been put on a low-level narcotic to keep the peaks lower.
The pulmonary specialist spent some time yesterday trying to convince Grandma just to let him go (he's on enough equipment that without it, he would just slip away). We know it's a losing battle at this point, unless by very very slim chance he stabilizes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve the chance. Grandma told him that Grandpa would want to keep fighting.
My brothers and father are down there right now. It was very hard for them, too. It just wrenches to think about it.
It's funny, around people my defense mechanisms keep me from hurting too much, but when I'm left alone, and my walls come down, it keeps rushing in.
I feel like I'm being very clinical about my hurt, and perhaps I am. It's the first time someone's been so hurt around me as an adult, or I've feared losing them for more than that first pang of terror. It's ill comfort that I am not so broken I cannot feel the pain, as I used to fear. Terrible to have proven it.
