(no subject)
Jun. 10th, 2003 02:57 pmBack from visiting Grandpa. Got here last night around 2ish, I think, crashed shortly thereafter.
Grandpa looked very tired. Everything was an effort, particularly breathing. There were awkward lapses in the short conversation we had with him as he tried to get up enough breath to keep talking, and they grew longer as we were there. Very shortly I saw an expression on his face which told me we had to let him be, and I think only Michael and I saw it, because we both agreed that he needed to be let be. Whether I'm right or not, I saw that he was in more pain from us watching him strain to function than anything else. Seeing him reduced near to tears tore at me more than I can say.
Everyone was trying to function in a normal way, making jokes and smiling, continuing with life. Here and there, we broke down and cried in pain for what was happening, just little bits. I couldn't cry much, couldn't even let myself feel much. Shock insulates.
and the seasons, they go round and round
and the painted ponies go up and down.
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look
behind from where we came
and go round and round and round
in the circle game...
Grandma wants to see him reach 8 days from now, their anniversary. The doctors are dubious it will be that long. The human will is incredible. I think he might make it. I pray for that.
Grandpa looked very tired. Everything was an effort, particularly breathing. There were awkward lapses in the short conversation we had with him as he tried to get up enough breath to keep talking, and they grew longer as we were there. Very shortly I saw an expression on his face which told me we had to let him be, and I think only Michael and I saw it, because we both agreed that he needed to be let be. Whether I'm right or not, I saw that he was in more pain from us watching him strain to function than anything else. Seeing him reduced near to tears tore at me more than I can say.
Everyone was trying to function in a normal way, making jokes and smiling, continuing with life. Here and there, we broke down and cried in pain for what was happening, just little bits. I couldn't cry much, couldn't even let myself feel much. Shock insulates.
and the seasons, they go round and round
and the painted ponies go up and down.
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look
behind from where we came
and go round and round and round
in the circle game...
Grandma wants to see him reach 8 days from now, their anniversary. The doctors are dubious it will be that long. The human will is incredible. I think he might make it. I pray for that.